Her friend sure thinks so.
“I was wondering if we could talk about something” my girlfriend said to me.
“Okay.” I said, bracing myself. We had only been dating a few months, but lately we had embraced a very honest, open approach to communication and it had made me feel very safe. We talked through things that felt concerning in our 3 month relationship, and it felt good to do that from the start.
“My electrologist told me that I should treat our relationship like a rebound.”
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach, dread swept over my brain. Why would someone say that to her? What kind of relationship advice is that? I started to feel physically sick.
“I was very upset when she told me this, I don’t think I act as if we are in a rebound relationship…” she trailed off. My girlfriend is very close to her electrologist, she has been seeing her once a week for the last 8 years. Sometimes they even take vacations together. This was more than a cosmetic/medical provider, she was a long-term, close friend.
“Um, don’t take this wrong, but I think I need a moment, I will call you back.” I hung up the phone and spent some time figuring out my emotions and what boundaries I was going to set.
2 years ago I ended a long term relationship of 19 years that included 10 years of marriage. Like me, my girlfriend had ended her 17 year relationship (including marriage) two years ago. When we met we had found ourselves in similar places, rejoining the dating world after nearly 20 years of absence, talking about the toxicity in our previous relationships, and figuring out what we wanted from each other and new relationships. I confess, I didn’t know what I was doing, but neither did she seem to. It was an adventure, one I knew could end in heartbreak, but still worth the journey. Asking if I (or she) were rebounding seems like a valid question, a good point for self-reflection, one I have often asked myself. But being someone’s intentional rebound, feels degrading and hurtful to me.
10 minutes later I called her back.
“I think it’s good if you reflect with your friends and wonder if you are rebounding. But two things, one I don’t want to be in on that discussion. Two, I don’t want to be treated as if I am a rebound, it’s degrading and hurtful. I understand that I am your first post-divorce relationship, and you’re in a vulnerable space, and you might be inclined to rebound and I accept that risk, but please don’t treat me or what we have like it is. I don’t want that.” We then had a heartfelt talk where she opened up about her feelings around others expectations about what she should want in relationships and how that doesn’t match how she really feels. We discussed other things too, and sorted a lot out. Eventually we were laughing and planning our next date with smiles and giggles. But that rebound comment stuck with me hard, and it hurt.
One year earlier, I had found myself dating a different woman. I had left my ex-husband one year prior to that date. I decided I was ready to start dating because I wanted something positive in my life. I had been through so much loss and depression the last year. I had been closing myself off and spent a lot of time grieving. I had started introducing/finding/exploring things that made me happy again, and dating was one of them. I met a woman, also divorced and we started dating, I was elated with the joy of a new relationship.
“I don’t want to treat her like a rebound, am I rebounding?” I asked my therapist at the time.
“Do you do things with her that you used to do with your husband?” asked my therapist.
“No, she has different interests, and I am excited she is willing to do things he didn’t want to do.”
“Are you trying to make your ex jealous, how would you respond if he saw you with her?” I was horrified at this possibility. I never wanted either to meet the other, ever.
“It doesn’t sound like a rebound to me.” She told me back.
“You’re totally rebounding with this girl.” said one of my closest friends, with another close friend nodding along with her.
“How can you tell?” I asked.
“You’re just way too into her, and have too much hope for her to do things that you wanted from your ex as well.”
“Just know things often don’t work out, even when you meet someone really special” said my other friend who had been nodding along.
After 6 months, I did end that relationship. Not because she was a “rebound” but because I felt some of my behaviors around her were unhealthy. I got super into her, and started acting obsessive and weird (something I had never done with my ex-husband). She had asked me for space and while I respected that, I found myself compulsive, erratic, and bad at giving her space. So I ended it because I couldn’t manage my own emotions and behaviors around her. The relationship had begun during a dark period for me, and the joy it brought me had become a drug, a drug I was addicted to. When I realized that, I broke it off. I don’t want to treat a romantic partner like a drug.
“It sounds like a typical rebound” said a different therapist I had started seeing after the break up. But was it? What the hell is a rebound anyway? It started to sound like just an excuse for my relationship to fail because I used to be married.
According to Insider Magazine (https://www.insider.com/signs-youre-someones-rebound-2019-1) A “rebound relationship” occurs when someone is dating without being entirely over their ex. The rebound is said to “take the place” of the previous relationship and provide the stability and distraction from the loss rather than work through it. It’s often assumed that people “on the rebound” aren’t truly emotionally available to their new partner or interested in much more than a fun distraction from their pain. The rebounder is just putting a new person in the role of the ex rather than being fully present with them. They often do the same things with the new partner as they did with their ex, spend a lot of time talking about their ex, using the new person to make the ex jealous, etcetera. In part, their relationship is still about their ex, not the new person. There’s a level of judgement that the rebounder is immature by not getting over their ex, using their new partner, and that the relationship is shallow, cheap, and doomed to failure.
One year later, I am in a new relationship, and now that ugly word has surfaced again; threatening my ability to have a healthy, meaningful relationship because I had a long-term relationship in the past and so did she. I reflect, I go to therapy, I waited 10 months before I started dating post-break up. She waited 2 years. We have a lot of communication and intimacy around our behaviors in our relationship, probably a habit each of us picked up in keeping our previous long-term relationships a float for so long. Are we just doomed to be rebounds because our hearts were broken? Is the fact we talk very openly and honestly about our wants and needs in a relationship an example of rebounding behavior because we tried that in the past with our exes? Are rebound relationships always toxic? Can we just have a relationship without other people calling out rebound? Can we even tell if we are rebounding?
More than anything, I would say my new girlfriend and I are new, and inexperienced at dating. Yes, we each have habits from our previous long-term relationships, such as lots of communication and looking at things from the long-term perspective rather than short-term world of dating. I know she and I each have our own issues and history that we bring with us. Our skills are more around trying to make things work than just dating. Or maybe, we just are rebounding and we don’t want to admit it. Can anyone stop the dreaded re-bound? Was I rebounding with my ex-girlfriend from a year ago when I became dependent on the warmth and comfort her relationship brought me?
That’s when I remember, to just take it one day at a time. I hone on the fact that I just enjoy being with her, and I can leave it at that from day to day. It’s an adventure, one I’m really enjoying. Maybe I’ll get my heart broken, but I do feel it’s worth it in the end. I guess we’ll see.
