So, this article has been rumbling around in my head and I have to bring up another element and get your insights.
So a google document was floating around that was all about compulsory heterosexuality. It was a fascinating read. It talked about how many of us were socialized to be heterosexual, and some of the many coping mechanisms we did.
It was super confusing, because it listed a lot of behaviors I did to try to convince myself I was straight. I know now I am at least bi, but it made me wonder if I am actually lesbian and spent years trying to trick myself into having relationships with men, and it worked. Here were some examples in the document that made me wonder if I was lesbian.
1) Many of the men I had crushes on in high school were clearly gay guys who weren't out yet. In fact I remember talking with one all about how fun sex with a guy would be. When one gay guy actually asked me out, I froze, told him I was a lesbian, and ran away. I never thought he would show any romantic interest in me, so I thought he was a safe guy to "crush" on. I didn't think I was a lesbian at the time, but it's what came out. Because even though I had a crush on him, when the actual moment happened, I was terrified.
2) Many of the "boys" I crushed on in high school, grew up to transition and were actually trans women whose eggs hadn't been cracked.
3) I noticed in high school that the boys I had crushes on, were what I would call pretty. They had long hair, were elegant and svelte, and soft-spoken. I remember explaining to a friend of mine I liked guys that I could pretend were actually women. That way if I dated them I could just pretend I was with a woman.
4) I mean I did eventually find a guy that I wanted to date (who wasn't actually a gay guy, a pretty guy, a trans woman, etc). People always acted shocked that I was with him because he was way older than me and very unattractive. I remember explaining that all men were unattractive by nature, and it didn't matter because I was attracted to him as a person. After a while I did become attracted to him, I guess it's more Demi-sexual for me with men. I have to be attracted to the person.
5) However I still am attracted to some men. It used to be random strangers, but I'd say for every one guy I'm attracted to, there are around 10 women I'm attracted to.
I guess at this point, it's safe to say I probably never would have dated men if it wasn't so expected of me. But I know I am still attracted to some men, but it's rare. I'm totally confused.
Anyway, this google doc circulating made me wonder if I was really lesbian, but dated men because it was expected of me. I think I was raised that if you had any attraction to men, then you better go for it rather than be a lesbian.
It's tough to say, so I guess I'm a more woman interested leaning bisexual.
Either way, there is the google doc floating around called something like Compulsory heterosexual women. I'd love to hear your take on it and how that plays into this topic. It certainly confused the hell out of me around my sexuality, and made me wonder if I'm actually lesbian.
