I’m shamed for being fat, then shamed for doing something about it.
(Disclaimer: no part of this article is intended as diet advice or recommendation. Consult your doctor before starting a new diet or exercise program)
Three years ago, my endocrinologist suggested I consider a rather intense dietary change. Like me, she was fat, and a woman, so I knew she wasn’t totally ignorant of my experience. Having spent the previous two years on a strict no-sugar/low fat diet with vigorous regular exercise, and plateaued results, I wasn’t sure what else I could do for my body. I was skeptical of her advice, it felt to aggressive and intense.
The next week my aunt needed an emergency triple bypass, and I again I asked myself an important question.
“How do I take good care of my body?”
“What does this body need from me?”
Everyone seems to have an opinion on how I should care for myself, from my diet, to how to exercise, to how I feel about myself, to accepting myself, to hating myself, to everything in between. Most people have no idea what is going on with my body. Most of them have no idea what I’ve done to care for my body, but almost everyone is ready to “educate”/shame me for not being a straight size.
Feeling concern that I may end up like my aunt, I gave this extreme new diet a chance. The first three months were awful, but after that I noticed some positive changes. My “good cholesterol” had improved, something I had been working on for years with traditional advice, to no avail. My bad cholesterol stayed low, and my blood pressure got a little lower (It was already nowhere near high, but still, being obese I keep a careful watch). I was no longer sleepy after lunch, the “two-thirty” phenomena of feeling tired in the afternoon went away, though I did continue to need a snack then. I did lose some weight, very slowly. Much less and much slower than what most people experience on this particular diet. Over the course of two years I lost 15 pounds, a drop in the pond when you’re obese, but still, I’ll take it.
After six months, I concluded this dietary change was beneficial to my body, based off of the above changes, and decided I’d stick to it permanently. It’s a rather controversial diet, and it’s often suggested to only being on it for short periods of time, mostly because people tend to lose a lot of weight on it and long term that kind of weight loss isn’t always sustainable.
Given my high BMI, and minimal weight loss, the above risk of losing to much weight didn’t seem like serious risk factor for me. As I mentioned above, my body seemed to respond well to the changes. Maybe, given my body and how it works, this is the right way for me to eat.
We’ve all been shamed for being fat, we’ve all had strangers give us life style advice, assume we are lazy, stupid, undisciplined, ignorant, or just plain greedy because we carry pounds. I hate the fact people make these assumptions about me. But what I was totally unprepared for, was how much more shame I would get for eating in a way that did benefit my health.
One day after an exercise class, my friends and I were going out to eat afterwards, and we were debating which cafe to go to. Naturally I thought about which cafes could accommodate me.
“Why can’t you just love yourself the way you are?” said a close friend of mine, who was at least 60 lbs lighter than me. “Why are you always trying to change yourself?” I felt very taken aback, who says I don’t love myself? I was literally living on an aggressive diet specifically because my body had taken well to it. And anyway, why did she feel she could make this assumption about my personal health choices? Why are the motivations for the decisions I make for my own body anyone’s business?
“Maybe you should consider being on a less crazy diet. Maybe if you just cut out fats and exercised more…” another friend explained to me. She has no idea how many years I spent on a low-fat diet only to keep gaining weight. But given we train together around 6 hours a week, and I spend another two running weekly, surely she knows I do exercise?
Often at restaurants I politely ask if they can modify dishes, by asking they leave off part of the meal.
“Can I get the egg white omelet with avocado, but without the toast?” I ask. Many places are very accommodating (I am just saving them a piece of bread after all). But some places, assume I am just being rude, or self-centered.
“That’s not how I like to serve food” said one man at a cafe.
Me: “Is it possible to just have the tuna salad on a plate, but with no bread?” I wasn’t looking forward to trying to scrap the tuna off the bread of a cheese melt to get minimal food covered in bread crumbs.
Him: “Yes of course, but that’s not how I like to serve food. It’s my restaurant, and I created it. You can get food the way you want when you open your own restaurant” he told me, rolling his eyes. I then explained I had a medical condition (obesity, and lipedema) and my doctor had put me on this diet for health reasons. Eventually he relented kindly saying, “I understand how important it is for you women to look nice, my wife and daughter are the same way.” He then gave me the tuna salad without the bread.
Okay, yeah, so I do understand I can’t expect every restaurant to accommodate my restrictive diet. Not every cafe, restaurant, eatery, cafeteria can or will do that, and that’s okay. I will often just order a salad, or go somewhere else. It’s not that I expect everyone to conform to my dietary needs, its the judgement, the eye-rolls, the assumption that the way I eat is unhealthy because I am fat, then that my extreme diet is a result of being a woman, who thus must be ‘vain’ and only dieting because I don’t accept who I am. I’m shamed for being fat, then shamed for dieting.
More than a few times, I get eye-rolls, side comments about my “pickiness” and how spoiled and shallow I must be to be on a diet, and how I need to love myself. Then I also get the “You shouldn’t diet, that doesn’t help, what you should do is make a ‘lifestyle change’ otherwise you’ll just gain all the weight back (who says I’m not?)” Total strangers and friends have assumed I am on this diet to lose weight to look pretty more than my actual health needs and that somehow makes me morally week. Why people care about this, I don’t know. Often these are usually the same people who will lecture me on how they think I should “lose weight” or “be healthy” with whatever toxic diet culture idea they have absorbed this month. I get comments on how I should diet and exercise more because I am fat, then eye rolls and judgement when I actually do such things because I’m being vain and not “loving my body.” I guess total strangers know how to assess if I “love my body” or if I exercise and diet enough, or not and feel the need to correct my behavior if they deem I’m “unhealthy” or “not embracing self-love.”
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.
It’s not okay to question another person’s motivation for their life-style choices, regardless of their size, thin, fat or anything in between. If a person eats a certain way, their reasons for doing so are their own, and no one else's’ fucking business. Maybe a person is concerned about their friend because they have deemed them “unhealthy” and have a health concern for them. Maybe they are anorexic, fat, or who knows what else. But as an adult, why do I have to explain the way I eat to strangers I meet and my reasons behind them? If I wanted to lose weight, for whatever fucking reason, I should be allowed to. My reason’s to lose weight, don’t involved shaming others for their own life-style choices. I don’t need interventions, from strangers, friends or others who have no idea how my body works or what I’ve been through to figure out what it needs and doesn’t need. I don’t need anyone, save maybe my doctor, to tell me I’m not eating healthy enough, then shame me when I do stick to a strict diet that my doctor and I discussed and agreed upon. I don’t need to explain it to others. I also don’t need to judge the way others eat, or their reasons behind it. That’s their own business. Neither one of us is ‘better’ than the other due to the way we eat chose to eat. I understand my body may not work the same as another person’s, and respect can respect other’s choices around food, even if I chose different ones for myself. Or hell, maybe I don’t even care about what others eat, and that’s fine too. It’s no one’s business but their own how and what they eat.
I’m long past focusing on the ascetic appeal of weight loss. Long gone are the days when I ever thought I could squeeze into a size 12, have a BMI that’s below the obesity line, or whatever measurement I’m suppose to live up to. Maybe I actually do accept the way I am, and ‘love’ my body, by understanding better how it works, what it needs from me, and how I can work with it to make it happy. I have other goals here, that aren’t about looking slender. I want to slow the progression of my lipedema so that I keep the ability to walk as I age. To keep my blood pressure low well into my 50’s and 60's. To improve my balance and flexibility in my Bikram yoga class and hold a bow pulling pose without falling over. To have better body connection and coordination in my martial arts class and do a well-formed jumping-inside-crescent kick. To comfortably jump rope for 3 minutes straight. To do a handstand without needing a wall to balance against. To run a half-marathon without damaging my knees. Let’s all just stop assuming we know the reasons behind someone’s diet, and the idea its okay to judge another’s motivation for how they care for themselves. Even if I wanted to lose weight because I want to be look thinner, that’s my prerogative, and not a judgement on others and their bodies and who they should be as well.
My absolute favorite comment on my diet, came about 3 months ago at a cafe I visit regularly. I ordered the salmon scramble, without hash browns, or toast. The server looked confused.
“I’m on a low-carb diet” I explained, incase there was some other carb thing that came with the dish. The owner of the restaurant, heard the interaction and came over to talk with me.
“Low-carb diets are very effective, you will lose a lot of weight” he said to me, while shaking his finger in a fatherly motion. “But the problem is that it’s very hard to get full and you are often very hungry.”
“Oh, that goes away after a few months” I explained to him. Indeed, I was wondering how I was going to finish the eggs, despite the lack of potatoes and toast. I personally get very full rather quickly. I might need a to-go box.
“A few months?” he asked, looking curious. “How long have you been on this diet?”
“Three years” I answered. A look of shock came over his face. I couldn’t tell if he was shocked I had stayed on this diet for 3 years, or if he was surprised I was still fat. But he was clearly surprised. I got up and walked right past him to the self-serve water station and filled up my glass of water. I was very thirsty; I had just finished a great work out that morning.
