He doesn’t want her to meet my niece.
I love my family.
I love them a lot.
Growing up, I often got the feeling I didn’t necessarily fully belong in the area I was growing up. As the youngest, I always felt like I was in somebody’s shadow. Everyone knew me as someone’s little sister, and it felt like even my friends were hand-me downs. During college I moved far away, to a place where no one knew me and I had to start totally over. I had to become independent, learn to develop myself into an adult, and become self-reliant. I did, and I’ve loved every moment of it.
I still consider myself close to much of my family. Yes they are faraway, and we go through periods where we talk less. But I still make a point of communicating and visiting them. Not all of us always agree on everything, sometimes we keep politics out of the conversation at Christmas dinner. It’s okay for us to disagree. We’re still family, period.
My sister and I were always the closest. We grew up two years apart, and have always both been rather liberal. She always supported LBGTQ rights as a teenager, though the trans thing didn’t come up much when we were kids. Her husband is a great guy, musical, intelligent, and nice. I’ve always liked Jeff *. My niece is 10 years old. I adore her. When I visit she, I and her mother do crafts together: knitting, pysanky, painting, etc. She’s at the age where she is just happy to have a person pay her any attention. She’s happy to accept unconditional love and just spending together with me. I love her.
They’re christian, but of course so was I most of my life. I got nothing against christianity, good things have come out christianity, like forgiveness and love. I’ll never forget the time I was in a hospital and minister came by my room and offered to pray with me. It was one of the worst times I had ever experienced, and he listened to all of my problems without judgement, then prayed with me. This is the sort thing, to me, that true christianity is about. I know some christians are anti-gay, but most of the good ones I know aren’t that concerned about who other people love, they’re more about living a good life and being a good person.
Apparently, I am a queer woman. After my divorce, I started dating women, and from day one it’s always felt very right for me. The thought of limiting my dating to strictly cis women was something I never thought of. I live in a super liberal area and I interact with a lot of trans people here. One of my closest friends for years is trans, as a teacher several of my students are trans. I’ve had trans colleagues, I ride public transportation with trans people, there are trans people in my exercise community and I train with them. In my world, it’s normal. So naturally I never thought of excluding them from my dating pool.
And I’m glad I didn’t because I met a wonderful woman whom I’ve been enjoying a lovely relationship with, who happens to be trans. We are encroaching on our one year anniversary. Things are gradually starting to feel more and more serious with her. I remind myself to take my time, but eventually living together and having a family is the direction we’re headed. I’ve met her family, they’re warm and inclusive with me. They’re also a lot more conservative than I am, but I do get that warm, family feeling from them, and I love it.
But what about my family?
I’ve told my parents about her, and my sister. As time progress I imagine my strict christian brother will have to meet her, and my wider family as well. On Christmas Day, I arranged a video call with my sister to meet her. This was the first time having Emma* meet someone in my family. Big step.
When I saw my sister’s face appear on the screen, she was sitting in her usual place, the big cushy couch in the family room. Her daughter was playing off to the side nearby. When she saw us, she got up from the couch, and walked into the spare bedroom. I found this rather odd; she never took calls from there. I introduced her to Emma, and then we started chatting like sisters as we always do. Emma being her usual, quiet, meek self didn’t say too much but still talked a bit. After about 15 minutes Jeff showed up in the call. He was funny and made everyone laugh. He was kind and entertaining to everyone.
I realized they made a point of not having my niece meet her, in fact I realized they left the room my niece was in deliberately to hide us from her. As if somehow Emma and I would harm her, via phone chat.
So last month when I was up there for a family funeral, I decided to just ask my sister about it.
“I’m thinking of introducing Emma to our family, do you think people will accept her?” specifically I brought up my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles.
“Why do you care? Who cares what they think, if they don’t like her, that’s their problem” she said back to me. She was right, and I agreed. But there was more I wanted to know.
“What about Jeff?”
“Oh, that’s going to take some time. You’ll have to go really slowly with him.” she said to me. “Jeff doesn’t know many trans people, and he thinks it’s a mental illness.” She explained that Jeff had met another family member, who happens to be a masculine leading non-binary AFAB, and Jeff was okay with them. “But trans women are different than trans men.” True, trans women get a way worse wrap than men, women in general do (Thank you patriarchy for the double standard). I understand it may be harder for people to come to terms with.
“Is he uncomfortable with Emma meeting your daughter?” I asked.
Then came a response I can’t quite recall, but it involved something about mental illness (that trans people are mentally ill), childhood trauma (I can’t recall if it was about trans people having childhood trauma, or children being traumatized by seeing a trans woman), sexual perversion, and predators. It had the feel of the whole “man-in-the-women’s-bathroom” argument around trans women. Something about how my girlfriend might be some sort of pervert, mentally ill, traumatized, sexual predator because she is trans and that Jeff didn’t want his daughter exposed to that. It was clear my sister didn’t buy into this idea, but that he had subscribed into this. She explained again he was ignorant and didn’t know any trans women and that’s where this fear came from.
The main boundary for me, which I wanted to set, is that he is respectful and kind to her when he meets her, which my sister confirmed he will be. He won’t misgender her or some other act of hostility or aggression towards her. I can’t change his thoughts, and it’s not my job to. My sister confirmed he would, of course, be kind, and respectful, he is a very polite person after all. And I do think he would be open to getting to know her and once he did he’d realize she’s not some sort of sexual freak. There are people who hate trans women, who full on want to argue and dismiss trans people and their experiences. Trans people are murdered. That’s not him, I don’t think he hates.
In all definitions though, he is transphobic. He is afraid my trans girlfriend is a harmful person due to her gender and fears she will harm his daughter. He is ignorant, and doesn’t know that trans people aren't trans due to some sexual perversion, and is naturally protective of his family.
All of this is quite unsettling for me. I know not everyone will accept and understand trans people, but I worry what the effect will be. If I bring Emma to a family event will my sister and her family not attend because he fears her presence there? Is my sister being pressured to agree with his beliefs? Will she feel pressure to distance herself from me to keep peace with her husband thereby driving a wedge between us? Will I not be allowed to have a friendship with my niece because of who my partner is? I knew not everyone would accept my girlfriend being trans. But, I’m not going to turn down a wonderful relationship because my brother in law doesn’t approve of her. He doesn’t get to determine who I date, who I love, and he doesn’t get to decide if I belong in my family and who I bring into my family.
With time, I hope this all gets better. After Emma gets to know more and more of family, slowly, and like bringing in any partner things get better. I just hope it isn’t putting too much strain on my sister.
What do you think? I’d love to hear any comments.
*Names have been changed
