It is a good article, and I agree. I appreciate your introspection into this. It's more about the man in quesiton getting his feelings hurt or his ego by the thought of rejection. However, the emotional burden of the rejection is often placed on the woman. Women have even been murdered over over simply saying no to an advance, so the "I have a boyfriend" feels way safer.

While I haven't been murdered, I have been in many situations where saying "no thanks" lead to scary scenerios, and I'd rather not have them happen again. I once had a co-worker, whom I though I had a good relationship with, express romantic interest. When I simply said no, he got really angry and started spreading rumors about me at work. This threatened to lead to a hostile work envitonemnt, and I needed that job. I've also had men, biger and stronger than me curse me out and spit on me. Once a stranger at a bus stop who expresed interest, and whom I told no, started following me on the bus and after I got off yelling sexist slurs at me. It was scary AF. Yes, there are men who take the simple 'no' gracefully. But who knows which man will and which man won't? So it's best to air on the safe side. I'd like to avoid having a hostile work enviornment, being stalked, spit on, or potentially murdered because of their feelings of rejection. This is literally the case here, I am not exagerating. I don't think it's fair their emotions around rejection are my responsiblity, and I don't like it. But I don't want the above things to happen to me.

On your suggestion of instead claiming "I'm a lesbian" is something I've done for decades, and it actually has it's draw backs. And as someone who currently only engages in lesbian relationships, I tell you, it doesn't always work.

Last week in fact, a man who was cleary hitting on me at the grocery store. I mentioned I had a girlfriend and I'm a lesbian. His response,

"Wow? Would you like to bring her along? That sounds hot!"

I've also heard: "Really? Tell more more! What kind of sex do you have? Let's go get dinner and you can tell me all about it!"

"How did you know you were a lesbian? Did you experiment in highschool? Did you initiate it or was it another woman's idea? What were you wearing? Was it at summer camp? Is she a burnett? I can picture it now..."

"Oh, I see. You mean you haven't had a REAL man. Well, I can show you a thing or two. Your girlfriend too"

"I've always wanted to have 3-some with 2 girls, sounds perfect!"

"Tell me more about being a lesbian, that's every man's dream!"

Or some men don't even seem to care. They will just plow right on and keep asking me out. Like a girlfriend doesn't count, she's just holding an empty place because he hadn't arrived yet.

Also, If it's a situation where I have to keep interacting with this person, like work, or places I frequent, outing myself may even lead to discrimination. I know people are still homophobic and I don't feel comfortable telling everyone I'm gay, they honestly may hold it against me later.

Don't get me wrong, some men will listen and move on. But really the safest bet is to just casually mention my boyfriend/husband before they even start flirting with you so you can have a normal, heatlhy aquaintainship like adults do.

So, in truth, while I don't generally tell people I have a boyfriend, because it's a lie, if I'm in a situation where I am scared enough, I will. I have to do what it takes to keep myself safe, and I hope in your article, you understand that. You make great points here, about it really being about rejection not male ownership, but it is werid how if a man has claimed us, others back off peacefully, but won't if a woman has us a girlfriend, it's another story.