Interesting article, and intersting dynamic! I think one of the culprits in this dynamic is the cultural expectation of women to people please. Women are often conditioned that we must constantly bend over backwards to make others happy, especially in marriage. We're often conditioned to beleive that if our partner is unhappy, it's our fault and we need to fix that, even if it means swallowing our truth. We're often expected to do that in society in general, and are taught that love is letting then other person (especially a man) win while we compromise to make him happy. There's constant talk about "give and take" and "compromise" and we often think if we're the first ones to comprise he will compromise back and meet us halfway. However, swallowing one's truth as mentioned above, can lead to a person hiding who they truly are, not opening up to their partner (for fear of being judged not good enough) and will decrease the intimacy. I feel like your article is addressing the problems this can face from the man's perspective.

Back when I was married to a man (the marriage ended but for totally different reasons than we're talking about) I remember giving up my truth a lot to please him. When I would voice my truth, he would get angry and yell and say all sorts of terrible things. We would fight and it wouldn't feel good. I learned to shut myself down. One day when we were in marriage counseling he started going off at me like normal, I just got smaller and smaller and quitter. The counselor asked why I wasn't responding and I explained since he was yelling I figured he wanted me to hear him and respect his feelings. I also wanted to deescalate the situation because the yelling and fighting made me scared. She explained that he was intentionally trying to get me passionate so that I would express my true feelings to him. By yelling and trying to start a fight, he was trying to get me to communicate my true feelings through the energy of the fight. However, I had been taught that saying things in the heat of the moment like that lead to me saying things that would destroy our relationship more. It did not feel safe to tell him my true self when he was yelling at me. Also, when I would tell him my feelings in such situations, it was never well received and he just got angrier and angrier when I expressed myself, which told me my true self was not okay and I needed to hide it from him more. I preferred to communicate my feelings, needs, and wants when we were both calm and able to listen. He interpreted this as me not really carring and being cold. But it felt like the safe way of having intimacy. While he wanted me to engage with him when he was yelling and upset, which just felt scary to me.

I'm currently in a lesbian relationship, and I am so relieved we never yell or scream at each other. I wonder if we even fight. However, she is able to tell me her thoughts, feelings, needs and issues directly and calmly. When we tell each other about something the other did that hurt our feelings or is a problem for us, it does feel scary, but because we approach it in a calm, kind, direct manner, it feels okay. Like we can talk about this, without any drama. I like that dynamic and it makes me easier to express my feelings, my truths, and my true self to her. I feel way closer to her and safe being myself around her. I wonder if we are really fighting, but we do have disagreements where we get rather upset, but are usually able to talk it out with compromise.

I wonder in general what gender roles have in this dynamic you mentioned. I think men getting angry is generally more excepted in society, it means their strong, passionate, protective. While women getting angry is often seen that we are crazy and should be ignored. We're often told to "calm down" before anyone is willing to listen o us. It certainly was a dynamic in my marriage.