I think one element that is missing from the abused partner narrative, is the fact that people change. For example, I was with a wonderful person for 19 years. For 17 of those years he was a wonderful, supportive, incredible partner who always there for me. Towards the end he got very sick, and couldn't cope with his disease. In his falling apart physically, he started to become abusive. I was blind-sighted. He had been a great partner for so long, I couldn't believe he had changed into an abuser. Also, the vow," in sickness and in health" kept popping back up. It didn't feel like this was who he truly was, he was just sick and would get better. When I went to get help, what I found was the narrative was turned against me. I was somehow weak or less than because my husband had become abusive. When I tried to get him more medical help, the doctors looked down and condescended to me because I was so stupid as to chose an abusive partner. It wasn't that I married an abuser hoping he would change. I married a great guy, and nearly 20 years later he changed into an abusive person whom I had already committed myself to support, no matter what. I knew this wasn't who he really was and just wanted to get him help. But suddenly I was the one who needed help. I had to leave him and divorce him. But what he went through and the fact that he changed is not my fault.

Yes, people do need to make an effort to vet their lovers, but it is more complicated than that, and really the abuser is the one responsible for their actions, not the partner. Period.