I feel like this story echoes so much of my entire life, but parts of it I wasn't allowed to speak of.

I often feel people in public are judging me, even while exercising, and although they deny it, they are.

It's so hard to just exercise because I want to, whenever I start a new exercise routine, a girlfriend always makes some comment "Oh wow, are you going to lose weight? Will it help me lose weight? Should I try it? It's going to make you sooo skinny" ect.

5 years ago I joined a martial arts school, and the person selling me my uniform attempted to sell me one a size to small. "Once you exercise, you'll lose weight! he said." I tried to explain to him I wasn't there to lose weight, I was there because I wanted to learn martial arts. He then proceeded to give me diet advice. I pretty much yelled at him until he sold me the larger size.

At my martial arts school, there are women who have very large bodies, but are in excellent shape that are amazing martial artists. I feel that I have finally found healthy athletic role models for the first time. They are in amazing shape, and as heavy as 300 lbs, and they are healthy.

Still, I hear comments sometimes like "Can you believe she (a large woman) is able to do those deep knee bends? I wouldn't think she'd be that flexible."

"How did she find the endurance in a 9 hour black belt test of her size? ect."

I hate that people think that just because you are large, you're out of shape. And then if you have a thin person who doesn't exercise at all, they are assumed to be healthier than you.

So much of my life I hated going to the gym, or finding group exercise classes, or sports, because I wasn't there to be competitive, I was there to enjoy, but could feel ignorant eyes judging me for my body type. I was often the fattest person in the room.

Now, I finally feel that I am able to exercise in a way that is for my body, soul. and mind, and still, that idea that it needs to be about weight loss creeps in, and I hate it. Maybe my in shape body is in fact this size? Maybe the fact that can hold plank for 5 minutes, hike 9 miles uphill, and jump rope for 5 minutes a better indication of my health than my BMI?

Recently I saw a tinder profile that read "Athletic types only." We all know what that means. I consider myself quite athletic as I exercise 5 days a week and am in good shape. But that's not what that profile means. It means, "thin only." The two aren't the same. Thinness does not equate health.