I also left my abusive husband. He never hit me, but he still became abusive. So much of what you wrote about rings true for me, how I tried so hard to help him, how badly I felt for all he was going through. Meanwhile he was totally reckless with my safety and well being. He used to be wonderful. We were together for 13 years before the earliest signs of abuse, and it took for years for things to really get concerning. People often blame women for partnering with abusers, what they don’t realize is that people change. You never know when the person who has earned your trust can change into a monster, and by then you already know they are capable of being wonderful. It’s a mind fuck when they turn and it’s beyond confusing.
I actually did at one point pretend to hurt myself so that I would be taken away to a mental hospital to get away from him. I did do that myself, it was the only way to get away from him because I cared so much about him and he used that to manipulate me to stay.
You’re story here is very well spoken and some of the phrases feel spooky accurate. I left him over 3 years ago, and am only now accepting he clearly didn’t love me, because of all the terrible things he did to me. You don’t do terrible things to someone you love. At one point he even flat out admitted he was using my love for him to control me to get me to take advantage of me. This of course was sandwiched in with how much he loved me and how much he was suffering, etc.