Good points you make here. However, I do think there could be benefit to having a term here, albeit a more respectful one. There can often be dysfunction in family systems when one child has needs that are a bit different. I’ve always been really close to my sister, and I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 40. She and I have had many talks about vital needs of her being ignored or our parents in denial about because of the many needs I had growing up. In addition, growing up with 2 autistic siblings (and an undiagnosed Dad) gave her a really confusing persecution of how people interact socially. She would be at home with us 3 autistics who has one way of socializing and interacting, then out in the real world people had totally different rules to social interaction. This was very confusing.
We’re very close, and talk a lot. She doesn’t blame me for what happened and listens a lot to my experience. Likewise I listen to her experience and growing up she often felt invisible, ignored, and her needs downplayed next to mine. She was just labeled as being fine and me being labeled as the problem child and constantly needing help while it was assumed she never did. This was not a healthy dynamic and I do think families and particularly parents could benefit from knowing this is a trap they may fall into.
I do think there must be a way to talk about this dynamic and giving siblings like her a voice and helping families be aware of this dynamic so they can make sure the nureotypical sibling isn’t ignored or made invisible while supporting the autistic child and advocating for them.
My family had to fight for me to get services that I needed growing up. They had to stand up to teachers who labeled me as just being lazy and not trying hard bright and wanted to punish me for being autistic. They had to go to many meetings where trying to work our plans for me to get what I needed to thrived and not be discriminated against. My family did a lot to support me. My sister even helped me out by including me in her friend groups, stood up to students who would bully me. She also always values who was, how I thought, and was the first person who embraced and celebrated me as a diverse thinking. She was the first person who embraced me autism and how awesome it made me.
However, when she really needed our parents, she was brushed away, he needs were always considered less than mine, and that’s not right. I don’t want to ignore what she went through in our family, and I don’t thing we are at competition here. I can listen and respect her experiences without insulting my own.