When therapy speak gets used incorrectly.
Riley and Leslie really want to resolve the issues in their marriage. Read below what happens…Fictional story
Therapist: I hear you both really want to make this marriage work, and that you both love each other very much. What issues are you having?
Riley: (smiles at Leslie, Leslie smiles back). It’s true, we do really love each other and we are commited to staying together.
I guess, the big problem for me, is that I feel Leslie has a lot of controlling and manipulative behaviors, and it’s really taking a tole on our relationship.
Leslie: It’s true. I engage in a lot of controlling behaviors. I’m having trouble stopping. I love Riley, and I’m doing my best, but I can be very controlling, manipulative, and demanding.
Therapist: What sort of manipulative behaviors?
Riley: Leslie often tells me what I can and what I can’t do, won’t tolerate the hobbies I want, when I tell her no, she gives me ultimatims. If I don’t do what she says, she will leave me. It’s very black and white, her way or the highway. She also uses a lot of shame and guilt to her way. It’s really becoming a problem and I want her to stop. She says it’s for my own good, and it all feels like I’m being gaslit.
Leslie: All of this is true.
Riley: It’s really becoming a problem, I really want her to understand ultimatims are very controlling, and I don’t appreciate being shamed and guilted. I would rather we talk about our problems and find healthy solutions.
Therapist: Leslie, can you tell me more about these behaviors? I’m really curious as why you are engaging in these things.
Leslie: (sighs) I just really want Riley, to stop beating me.
Riley: (roles eyes) See what I mean?
Therapist: Um, what?
Leslie: Riley often beats me up, multiple times a week. It really hurts, and I want him to stop.
Riley: See how controlling she is? She is literally telling me what I can and cannot do with my own body. I have a right to my own bodily autonomy. I wish Leslie could respect that.
Leslie: I mean it really hurts, and I get injured. Last time Riley broke my arm and I had to go the hospital.
Riley: You see? See how Leslie is using guilt to make me feel bad? Yet another manipulation technique!
Leslie begins to cry.
Riley: (roles eyes) And then we have the water-works. The quickest way to end argument, Leslie just cries over me, and my voice is never heard.
Leslie: I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t like being beaten up and injured. Unless Riley stops, the only way for me to get the beatings to stop, is if I leave.
Riley: You see? See how she is giving me an ultimatimn? That’s not a healthy way of dealing with conflict. I believe in having conversations and working through differences, instead of just threatening to leave if you don’t get your way.
Leslie: I just don’t want to live like this, or die like this. What if he beats me so bad I die?
Riley: (roles eyes) Now you’re catrasphizing things. I mean it’s not like I’ve killed anyone else before. I literally have never done that.
Leslie: (exasperated) I mean, Riley says he loves me. I just feel like if someone loves you, they don’t do this type of stuff to you?
Riley: (puts his arms out to his sides in exaperation). It’s a hobby! It’s how I exercise! Beating up Leslie, is a good work out! Leslie has as many hobbies as she wants. She likes cooking, baking, running, and quilting. I never complain about all the things she does for fun. I never try to tell her what she can and can’t do. This is my one hobby! My one method of exercising. OH MY GOD, why the hell does she get to take the one thing I enjoy out of life away from me? Exercise is good! It’s a vital component of staying healthy. I feel that if Riley actually cared about me, she would be supportive of my hobby and she would support me exercising. When someone loves you, they want you to be happy, and support you being healthy, and do whatever they can to help you. This is the only hobby I have, while she has like 4, and she’s being totally unsupportive and demanding I just give it up! How is that fair?
Therapist: Wow. Um, Riley have you ever considered not hitting Leslie and just taking up martial arts? You could get a good workout and practice fighting in a safer environment that doesn’t involve harming your spouse.
Riley: I did try that for a while, but I wasn’t very good at. Leslie is much smaller and weaker than I, so I’m much better at beating her specifically. Also, (Riley looks to the side emitonally) it’s something we can do together. I like including my spouse in my hobbies. It makes me feel closer to her. I would think she would enjoy this special time with us instead of shaming and guilting me for exercising and spending time with her.
I can’t believe she’s so unsupportive and controlling.
Therapist: Riley, she doesn’t like it. She clearly doesn’t enjoy being beaten up.
Riley: I do things all the time with her that I don’t really like to do, just to spend time with her. Last week I took her to a musical she’s been dying to see. I was bored the whole show, but I did it for her. I also really hate going out to dinner, cleaning the house, and going to work each day. But I do it to be a good spouse to her. I beat her up for her! This is how I feel close to her and bonded. I can’t beleive she doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. That I spend my time with her doing this, involving her in my hobby. Leslie means everything in the world to me and I do this to feel close to her. She just takes me for granite.
Leslie: I do love you Riley, and I do enjoy spending time with you…I just wish…
Leslie puts her head in hands, exasperated.
Leslie: I just know I can’t live like this…
Riley: I really wish she would stop shaming me and manipulating me. I just want to be close to her, and my efforts are slammed in my face. I do this for her. One time, she even called me an abuser, like what kind of horrible thing is that to say to someone? She uses all of the emotional manipulation, controlling tactics, and then she acts like I’m the problem. I’m so tired of her gaslighting me.
Riley puts his head in his hands and starts crying.
Therapist: Riley, I think it might be a good idea if I speak to Leslie alone.
Riley: (looks angry, than a little relieved). I think that’s a good idea. She’s the one who has the problem here. She’s even the one who wanted this therapy. I’m happy to do whatever work is needed, but I can’t solve her issues for her. (smiles and pats Leslie on the back). I’ll be in the lobby waiting. Love you my sweet princess! (he kisses Leslie and gives her warm smile, and leaves).
What do you think should happen next? What would you tell Leslie? Does Riley make a good point? Is Leslie being manipulative?
Answer below in the comments.
