As a cis woman in a relationship with a “transbian” woman, it was really nice to read this. My girlfriend is post op, but previously I also dated a woman who was pre-opp. Before that first relationship with a trans woman I called up some friends of mine, another cis-trans lesbian couple and asked them for some advice. They told me some really helpful things which I value, as I didn’t know much about trans women at the time and I felt I needed some education and didn’t want to push that onto my date.
I think one thing they helped me with, which is really important and I think needs to talked about, (it’s hard though), is just the importance of feminization of trans femme bodies.
Trans women have femme bodies, yet the specific features of their bodies, we as a society have been conditioned to see these features as masculine. I kind of went through a whole mental mind fuck with my first girlfriend because she felt very much like a woman, but yes had a penis and certain features like her shoulders and certain shapes that I’ve been conditioned to see as masculine. But on her they felt feminine, because she was feminine. She may have had broad shoulders, but the way she carried herself and moved, felt to femme. It was a mind fuck for me as her partner. I think accepting and truly seeing a trans person for who they are often requires a mental change because our culture has conditioned us to not see trans people as their gender but actually their biological sex. Getting past this is a complex and necessary process that trans people first have to undergo and their partners as well, and we’ll basically everyone if the way society views trans people changes.
With my first girlfriend I learned to see her specific features as very feminine which matched what her soul felt like. Things felt way more peaceful after that and it made more sense. But then I was still totally mindfucked by the idea anyone ever mistook her for man. I still struggle with that-it makes no sense to me.
My current girlfriend who is post opp just feels like a woman. She’s not someone who can really pass, she sadly went bald at 19 (wears a wig) and has a number of masculine features, but they all feel very womanly on her. She just feels like a woman, and looks like a woman to me. Nothing can really change that. But I think I did have to go through a sort of mental de-programming years ago in order to see trans women bodies as feminine and now it feels second nature to me.
I hope this comment isn’t rude, it’s honestly not something I talk about with trans people usually because I try to be sensitive it might trigger dysphoria. But I think the feminizing of trans women’s bodies is important for cis people in relationships with them.