Anna, please forgive me for what I’m about to say, or stop here if you don’t want to hear something hard. I’m not going to be sweet and gentle right now. I know you love your wife very much. I know you are devoted enough spouse to stay in the closet. But I have to ask, how much does this woman love you?
I know she is concerned over safety issues and doesn’t want you to be in a dangerous situation. Perhaps she doesn’t really understand what it means to be trans. But I can’t imagine asking anyone I love, to be in the closet. Closeting someone is not very loving. Why does she get to decide how and when you will present, and dictate terms to you? Maybe she doesn’t know how rough that can be, or gender dysphoria, or what trans really is. IDK. But at the very least, does she love Anna? Anna is clearly a very loving person, she deserves to be loved back.